Failure Is An Option
One of the major flaws in our conditioning is our aversion to pain, failure, disappointment, conflict, rejection, and stress.
With good reason, of course. They do suck, after all. But I invite you to consider that a good life is not about having a suck-free existence.
Let’s examine how these aversions or fears get programmed, reinforced, and cemented.
Disappointment: A child cries when it's time to leave the playground. The parents shhhh the child, appease them, and offer consolation: "Don't worry, we'll come back tomorrow. Here, have an ice cream."
Takeaway: Disappointment is unfair, an infringement on your rights, and needs to be soothed with a consolation prize.
Failure: You want to take a risk in your career, maybe start your own business, but you're terrified of failing. To prevent you from not taking a risk at all, your friend reassures you, “Don't worry, you won't fail!" See also: Every kid gets a trophy.
Takeaway: Failure is bad, but you’re in luck because that won’t happen.
Rejection: Like failure, rejection can look like hesitancy or unwillingness to take steps, try something new, ask for something you want or need, or stand your ground on a boundary because "What if it doesn't work?/What if they say no?"
Takeaway: Rejection is viewed as the “worst” outcome, rather than an opportunity to learn, grown, keep trying, and perhaps find something even better than you could have anticipated (rejection as protection).
Stress: After months of burnout, your thorn-in-the-ass job has become untenable. You tell your friends you're quitting. They support your move to find a new job but make no inquiries about regular stress management.
Takeaway: Stressors are individual irritants to be cut out on an as-needed basis, and ignoring stress reduction as a ongoing lifestyle management tool.
Conflict: After a decade of estrangement from a friend, you are finally on good terms, however, they still occasionally cross your boundaries and do things that upset you. You're so happy that you're finally in a good place again, you don't mention these "little annoyances" for fear of rocking the boat.
Takeaway: Walking on eggshells is a necessary evil because it’s much better than disturbing the peace.
Perhaps you see yourself in one or more of these examples. I can certainly relate to all of them.
What they all have in common is that many of us have been conditioned to want to rid ourselves of or avoid all these situations, rather than work through them.
Working through difficult emotions, feeling them, and staying with them rather than running away, are paramount to a healthy way of being. Recovering from disordered eating taught me this.
Unlike other forms of recovery (such as smoking or drinking) that require complete abstinence from the substance, when one recovers from an eating disorder, they can't give up food forever. Total avoidance is not an option, nor would it help with this type of recovery. Rather, one must learn to have a healthy relationship with food.
We can keep this in mind not only for ourselves but also in the way we relate to others, to help them work through their own stressors, disappointments, failures, conflicts, and rejections. Let’s look at some examples:
Disappointment:
Instead of telling our kids, "Don't worry, we'll come back to the playground tomorrow. Here, have an ice cream," maybe we can validate their disappointment without trying to change how they feel: "Yes, it IS sad that we have to leave." By doing this, children learn that these emotions are normal, part of life, not something to be shielded from. Disappointment is not something in need of eradicating or making up for.
Failure:
We all want to be the supportive friend/parent/sibling/partner who doesn't want to see their loved one held back by fear. We want the same for ourselves! We think we're being encouraging by saying, "You can't fail!" But this is an outright lie. The truth is, we CAN fail. We WILL fail, if not at this, at something else. We all fail many, MANY times in life - it's a part of success. What we can do to be supportive is to say instead, "It's true, you might fail. But would that be so bad?"
Growth is heavily dependent on how we navigate failure and setbacks; it’s not contingent on a winning streak. Giving children the encouragement to strive to win is great, but not everyone needs a trophy. It's equally important for them to learn how to lose.
Stress:
Stress is a big one. It took me years to learn (and a lifetime to practice) that stress management doesn't mean cutting out stress completely. It would be nice if we could, but we can’t. Stress is not isolated to a boss, a job, a move, a health challenge - LIFE is stressful. By all means, if you can identify specific stressors and remove them entirely, wonderful! But stress management is about learning how to manage and interact with stressors as they arise, not avoid them completely.
Conflict:
Instead of walking on eggshells, consider communicating your needs and boundaries. The mark of a truly evolved relationship comes not from never having any fights, but from being able to have healthy disagreements and bouncing back from them.
Rather than avoid, learn to tolerate.