Go With The Flow — Lean Into Pain

A recent attack of period cramps during my evening commute inspired me to write a blog about pain.

Thanks for the inspiration, Mother Nature! But, before I get into physical pain, let me touch on emotional pain, namely, grief and heartbreak, because pain is pain.

Ending a relationship with someone I love and getting steady on my feet afterwards have been some of the most challenging, frightening, emotionally and physically painful periods of my life. 

It’s important to recognize how these experiences create emotional pain, and with that, a declined state of psychological and physical health. If we are lucky enough to have close relationships with others, we all risk pain that comes with loss. Although the pain is usually at its peak when the trauma first happens, breakups and loss can have long-term effects on our overall health. Grief, particularly, is known for its many stages that far outlast the initial loss.

When I experience loss and separation, I literally shake with dread at the thought of having to bear the discomfort one second longer. To say it feels unbearable is a euphemism.

There’s a barrage of “what if?”s, self-doubt, inconsolable sadness, too much sleep due to depression, too little sleep due to anxiety, and forced feedings because my appetite is nowhere to be found. It’s so difficult to let yourself feel it.

Unbearable as it may feel at times, that’s what we have to do—let ourselves feel it. Or, as my therapist would say, lean into it.

The concept of leaning into the pain made no sense to me at first. If I were to set my hand on a hot stove, my body’s instinct would be to pull away. Who wants to feel pain? But the thing with pain is, it’s a lot like skidding on ice—it's better to steer towards it, rather than away from it.

Also, fun fact: All feelings pass on their own within 90 seconds. That is, if we feel it and let it pass. It’s the lingering and dwelling and revisiting in our minds that create ongoing suffering. So each time you feel sadness or grief, sit with it. You can handle 90 seconds.

During periods of mourning, I used to refuse to stay in the moment and feel the pain. I was so fixated on when I’d finally feel happy again, instead of accepting where I was in the moment. While happiness was a goal, going through a breakup is painful, and I needed to accept that I could never get to a happier place unless I went straight through the pain on the way there.

Leaning in applies to physical pain, as well.

One day, I was getting a massage, and wouldn’t you know it, I had a sharp pain in my foot. Oh no!, I thought. Not now! I quickly told the masseuse I had a sharp pain in my foot, expecting her to stop touching me. Instead, she grabbed my foot and put more pressure on it. She saw I was uncomfortable but she continued to hold my foot and told me to “let the pain happen.” In other words, don’t fight it.

Don’t get me wrong, it was terribly uncomfortable, and felt unnatural at first to not resist it. But once I decided to let go, and to go with it, an ease washed over me. It was as if all the energy I would have otherwise used to avoid feeling it (tensing up, gritting my teeth, panicking) was being re-circulated in my body. I felt like I could tolerate the pain for as long as it lasted. I was able to view the pain differently. Instead of seeing it as a foreign, invasive entity that I was desperate to stop, I accepted it just as it was. The mindset went from, “No! Get out!” to, “Yes, this sucks, but it’ll pass."

More recently, I was on the train when my period cramps kicked into high gear. I was keeling over in pain, sweating, just short of passing out (not an exaggeration). All I could think about was collapsing onto a bed with a boiling hot compress on my stomach.

During that train ride, while I was loosening my collar and gasping for air, I remembered that resisting the pain was going to make the remainder of the trip unbearable for me. With each uterine contraction and wave of pain that exploded from my stomach, shot through my back, and radiated down my legs, I did my best to acknowledge it and breathe into it.

I’m not saying it was pleasant, but I lived to write a blog about it, and I know it would have been a hell of a lot worse if I had tried to resist it.

Now, before we all go leaning in to everything and anything, let me clarify what leaning in is NOT, and what NOT to do:

• The concept of leaning in is not quite, “If you can’t beat em join em.” It’s not a reason to be blasé about pain or ignore it. Pain is there for a reason. Pain is always an indicator to pay attention to something your body is trying to tell you. So, calmly and curiously check in with yourself when pain arrises, and if it persists over time, see a doctor.

• Don’t push yourself to detrimental extremes to try to “push past the pain.” It’s always best to listen to your body and if you need to rest, rest.

• Don’t fixate on the pain. We can actually lengthen the duration and severity of pain if we let it monopolize our thoughts. Notice it, but practice attentional flexibility (move your attention from the pain to other things).

• I’m not suggesting we go out looking for pain either, but that’s probably a given!

• Finally, leaning in does not mean forgetting it once it passes. All pain, emotional and physical, is there for a reason. Always make sure to thoroughly examine the source of the pain and address it accordingly. That may mean seeking medical advice, or doing some inner reflection.

What leaning in does mean is simply this: There is unavoidable pain in life, which no one is exempt from. We can’t always predict or prepare for it. Whether it’s period cramps, a death of a loved one, divorce, a breakups, giving birth, or that pesky foot pain you get when you wear flip flops all summer with no arch support, when those painful moments arise, resistance is futile. The energy spent fighting it will be better utilized on breathing, relaxing, and, when you know the pain is due to a hard life transition, acknowledging that you are supposed to be feeling like shit now.

Learning to accept the pain not only makes it easier, it also gives us an empowering sense of what we can tolerate. Perhaps the next time you find yourself in pain (and there will be a next time, that’s life), it’ll be met with less dread, and more, “It’s okay. I got this.”